Got to admit it's getting better.........

Man at work is at mine again tonight. Last night was pretty disasterous really. After the arguement and the potential for a make-up. All was foiled by son waking up and being a cling-on. Son always and forever comes first and so the cuddles and reassurance were for son. Man at work fell asleep waiting in vain for his meagre portion of my affection. Bless. He's gone to get another curry which is why I'm typing this. Son is in the process of waking and asking where MaW is in a totally confused, sweaty childish logic. Such an above board, chaste relationship but it's ok, it's ok.

Time out

Do you ever feel that you are stretched that bit too far? I'm a mum, a friend, a sister, an ex, a girlfriend, a colleague and probably a threat. I'm never alone. I need a bit of time to myself to re-organise my thoughts. To make sense of the muddle. To decide if it's worth it. I need to hang over Long Bridge and watch the river flow beneath. I need to look up and see the cathedral spire rising like a rocket against the blue sky. Maybe the swallows and swifts are due to arrive. I'll book a day off. I need to be me for a day.

currying favour?

Man at work arrived at mine clutching the most beautiful bouquet of flowers this evening. Roses, lillies, gerberas and carnations all in shades of peach, cream and pale orange. He's now gone out to get himself a curry. He's a tad upset that I'm not hungry. I forgot that he mentioned a take-away curry earlier at work and I stuffed my face with garlicky spaghetti bolognaise when I got in. So - I smell like hell and he's hungry. Not a good combination. He's going to get his revenge by eating the raw onion relish, no doubt.

I don't know why he brought me flowers. He simply said that he wanted to give them to me tomorrow morning but was worried that they wouldn't survive overnight in his car boot. Yes, he's staying the night but we will be sleeping in seperate beds. It's a very long story.

Muddled

I'm in a muddle about the man at work. We survived the storming out episode but something has changed. Remember the Carole King song? '.......But it's too late baby, now it's too late. Though we really did try to make it. Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it............'

I just feel a bit sad. Is it worth trying to save? When he asked me how I felt I replied 'unsettled'. He instantly assumed that was the end. I will learn how to crochet and become a slightly dotty old maid.

Ex It

Romance is dead or is certainly dying. Instead of staying to argue his point, he walked out. That's meant to be my trick. He stole my thunder leaving me to clear up and walk home alone last night from my friend's house in a slightly squiffy state. Luckily, I remembered to bring the Lindt chocolate bunny that she gave me earlier in the evening. I bit his ears off with justifiable anger when I got home.

Today has been full of texts and misunderstandings. There doesn't seem to be any remorse just hurt feelings and sadness. The Icelandic cloud of volcanic ash seems to match my mood. I could damage the paint of passing aircraft by merely glancing scornfully in their direction. Is it worth it? Is he worth the sadness and the empty feeling? I don't know. I really don't know so I'll dwell on it until it's too late. I'll push him away so that he feels better.